Crimes Against Fanfiction
by whoeverIamloves
Summary: Cliche #1: I swore I'd never do it. Cliche #2: I'm doing it. A bit crack, simply for the genre. So I found this cool ring at the flea market...And suddenly I'm gonna get to hang out with my favorite Copy Ninja and his genin. I hope.


Cliche #1: I swore I'd never do it. (See the title of the fic.)

Cliche #2: I'm doing it.

Cliche #3+: I'm sure you'll figure them out.

Disclaimers: I don't own any part of the Naruto Universe; given the chance described in this fic I would take it in a heartbeat, but alas, the ring is real but its powers are not.

* * *

Flea markets are great.

I've always loved rummaging through the booths of old stuff, new stuff, cheap knockoff gadgets and knives, and rejected yard sale items. But I rarely buy anything, except maybe the occasional decorative blade, an old N64 game, or (more often) costume jewelry from the outlet store.

So when I found a cool-looking ring (two copper snakes twisting around each other with glass crystals for eyes) at the jewelry booth for only a dollar, I thought nothing of it. I paid the dollar and slipped it on, and promptly forgot about it except to twist it on my finger occasionally for something to fidget with.

I didn't remember it until I went to sleep.

My dreams are something of a legend among my friends. Not to brag, but seriously, when you dream about going on adventures like swimming with whales, and being a vigilante in an all-girls' band of rogue capoeira fighters (look it up), and being backstage with a co-star (a classmate from high school in real life) who happens to be a jack (as in a deck of cards) and you're the queen (also of a deck of cards) and "need" to practice for the upcoming kissing scene, and negotiating your work schedule with your boss while in a burning building and missing a leg, well, you get a reputation.

I shit you not. I have truly dreamed all these things. And people have finally (somehow) stopped asking me what I smoke. Because I don't.

So when I found myself in a blank white room, I didn't think it all that odd. I'm not usually a lucid dreamer, in the sense that I'm not really able to identify that I'm dreaming until after the fact, let alone control my dreams, but I'm also a fairly laid-back person and my dreams rarely freak me out. I'm used to going with the flow and seeing what exciting adventure is coming down the pike.

The room was empty except for myself. I looked down to see myself wearing the same clothes I'd worn during the day- jeans and a roller coaster t-shirt with flats, and I could feel my short hair pinned back in its usual daytime clips. Okay, sure. So I hadn't gone to bed like I thought. Whatever.

I was also still wearing the ring. I looked at it more closely now than I had before. It was two snakes, as I thought, and it had a total of 6 supposed "crystals" in it. There were four small black ones functioning as decorative eyes on the elaborately molded little snakes, and two slightly larger clear ones (probably intended to look like diamonds) in the space between the two heads and two tails. Overall, I decided I'd spent a good dollar.

As I stared at it, and as I brushed my opposite thumb over the little faces repeatedly, the ring grew heavy. By the time I noticed it, there was a green mist swirling out of the two clear crystals. I felt my eyebrows rise, but I watched with more curiosity than anything else. After all, this was nothing too abnormal for one of my dreams. Yet.

The mist congregated in front of me in a blob, then began to elongate into the shape of a torso. My eyes grew wider, and I caught myself actually laughing.

A genie in a ring? My friends were never going to believe this dream. I better make sure to write it down as soon as possible.

Once the genie was fully formed, we stared at each other. He crossed his arms and tried to look intimidating, and I grinned stupidly at the magical creature, waiting for him to say something. When he didn't, I wet my lips and decided to try.

"Hello," I said, still grinning. I should probably stop that.

"Hello," he returned, still staring me down.

"So...do I get three wishes?"

He blinked slowly. He must get that question all the freakin time. "No," he said.

Now it was my turn to blink. "Okay...what do I get?"

"You get one wish."

I tried not to pout. Just one? I'd better make it good. No "accidental" wishes like people make in cliche genie movies. And I'd better think through all the consequences before saying the magic phrase.

"Just one?"

He nodded once, silently.

"Can it be anything at all?"

He finally changed expression. Barely. "It can be an experience."

Interesting stipulation. What if I wished for the experience of being a billionaire for the rest of my life?

He anticipated my thoughts and interrupted them, though it was clearly annoying to him to have to explain the rules. Of course I'd get a grumpy genie. Just my luck.

"You cannot wish for a lasting change. You cannot wish for material possessions. You cannot wish for something on another's behalf."

I considered his words when he fell silent once again. The rules seemed pretty tight...I guessed I probably wasn't going to suddenly become independently wealthy or find my one true happily-ever-after love story.

So that left me with the choice of an experience. What kind of experience? A vacation? A learning experience? A chance to talk with anyone in the world?

An image flashed through my head. _Anyone..._

"Does it have to be possible by the known laws of physics?" I asked.

"I am not bound by time and space."

_Apparently you are, if you can't give me anything that lasts,_ I almost said, but then decided not to piss him off or I might not even get my one wish.

I chose my next words carefully. "So...IF I were to decide on a temporary visit to another universe- another plane of existence in a world that doesn't actually exist, according to the known laws of my world...would that be possible?"

The genie continued to look bored. "It would."

I bit my lip, already grinning again. _Think it through! Stipulations, consequences...everything! Phrase it just right!_

"And IF I were to choose to visit that place, would there be a time limit?"

"There would."

"And if I chose to visit that place, could I choose the situation?"

The genie's lips tightened. "You could."

"And IF I chose to visit that place, would I go...would I go as myself? Or would I go as someone who already lived there?"

The genie's eyebrow twitched slightly. He probably wasn't used to people searching for loopholes like this.

"You would enter the body of another."

That could cause some problems for whoever I took over. Hmm.

"If I did that, what would..." I changed my wording, not wanting to give the genie free reign. That always ended badly except in Disney movies. "Would I be able to return to my body within 5 minutes of having left it, according to the linear timeline of my own universe?"

The genie was definitely scowling now.

"You would."

"And once I was in the other world, would I have the same cultural knowledge as a person born into that world-I mean, as the person whose body I would...enter?"

"You would have that person's memories and experiences in addition to your own."

"What would be the time limit, if I chose this experience?"

"I cannot tell you until you make the wish."

There's the fine print, I guess.

I reviewed in my mind the information he'd given me. I knew what I wanted, it was just a matter of how to phrase it in such a way that nothing would go too horribly wrong for me or for the people I wanted to visit.

I had plenty of dream vacation destinations, sure. But I could probably accomplish most of those on my own at some point before I died. And as much as I wanted the experience of finding a permanent job in my field (having just finished grad school and being up to my eyeballs in student debt), he'd ruled out the possibility of any lasting change. And as for other, more personal experiences...well, I've never been one for meaningless sex, and my recent hobby of watching Naruto and writing fanfiction for it had pretty much been my escape from the social scene. All my school friends had already moved away to start their career searches, and I was not really in the market for new friends since I'd be moving away soon as well.

I took a deep breath. "I will now summarize my understanding of one possible scenario," I said. The genie just stared at me, so I pressed forward, using the most specific words I could think of in the most limiting grammar I knew, thankful for my many years of formally studying the grammar of my native language and practicing academic writing.

"It would be possible, if I so stipulated, to send me into the canon Naruto universe as created by Masashi Kishimoto, into the body of the pretty, romantically uninvolved, young adult daughter of a man who requested a moderately dangerous long-term mission, where the mission is fulfilled by Hatake Kakashi, Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura, and Uchiha Sasuke; wherein I would have all the cultural knowledge and memories of the woman whose body I was in as well as my own; after the completion of which I would return to my own body in my own world within 5 minutes of having left it according to the linear timeline of my universe and remember the experience; and guaranteeing that none of the protagonists or myself will die in either world. Is that correct?"

The genie hesitated, then nodded once.

I grinned. "Then that is precisely the experience that I wish for."

"So be it," he said with finality, then showed a hint of a smirk. I tensed, thinking I had already won.

"Now I will tell you the other restrictions," he said. "Your full possible amount of time is 6 months in the other universe. If you are killed before that, you will not die. You will return to your own universe and the woman whose body you occupy will be returned to awareness from that moment forward.

You will have your own memories, but only what you know of the timeline of that universe up until the point where you are inserted."

"So I'll know everything I currently know about...about the characters' pasts? Just not their futures?"

The genie nodded once again.

I'd hoped to go into the experience knowing everything about the whole canon storyline, but oh well. I would still get to meet adult Kakashi. For real. For possibly an extended period of time.

"Anything else?" I asked.

"You will be there for either the duration of the mission or 6 months if the mission is incomplete by that time. If the mission is failed outright, then you will not return until you would die in that world."

"I thought I stipulated-"

"The death would not be of a major character. You would have lived the woman's life for her, so her death would be yours instead, except that you would not die. You would simply return to your world." Did he look a little smug as he said that?

It was my turn to frown. So there was a possibility I could become trapped there, despite my fancy footwork. Damn. And a possibility I could kill the woman whose body I was going to borrow. Double damn.

"You will awake into the experience you have wished for yourself."

I started to shout out something like "wait!" or "stop!" or another question, but before I could even think of what else I should ask, he had dissolved into the green smoke once again and spiraled around my body, then "fwipped" back into the ring on my hand, and I felt a burning sensation start in the center of my body and the bland white room began to spin.

I was passing out.

* * *

I have a few funny moments rolling around in my head that started this whole thing, and I'm not really sure what's going to happen from here. Apart from those moments...I guess I'm just going to have to come up with a suitable mission, and then keep everybody (including myself-what the heck am I thinking?) in character. Let the characters decide how it goes.

Yeah, that usually works for me...

Thoughts? (Please don't flame. If ever a topic deserved it, it might be self-insert, but if you're still with me by now I hope that means you're not horribly opposed to this genre.)


End file.
